Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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