Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I need a beard to bite.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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