I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
