The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
