somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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