We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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