trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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