Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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