Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
