i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
