I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
