In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
