I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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