The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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