Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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