you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
