she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm at about main and main street
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
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He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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