i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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