i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
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Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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