Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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