even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
