I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
