The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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