need another drink. this is the easiest way
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
