Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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