Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
