proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
