Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
