shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
