When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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