I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
