she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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