im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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