i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
