i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
