If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
