mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
