Define "chronic" masturbator.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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