well I can't set my house on fire every night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
this hospital has no fireball
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
