He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
And then the night went full on bisexual.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
