I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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