I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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