You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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