There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
