It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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