I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
