I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
