I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
