i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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