I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
