Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
