I will die if light touches me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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