...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
