Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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