there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
we're so committed to being not committed
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
