around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
